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I was on holiday for almost three weeks. It was amazing. The sun, the sea, the warmth…

But then I got betrayed. And all of those things did not matter anymore.

I guess life has a plan for us all, that we don’t understand untill we can take a look at it after it happened. Back then, I did not understand it. I thought it was bad karma, that I’d done something wrong, betrayed someone else…

Then I realized that life only did what was best for me. And it really was.
And I came back a new woman.

Have you ever gone searching for answers, only to realize that you had the answeres all along, and that you were simply looking for confirmations that the answeres were the right ones?

I went searching for answeres by the sea, only to realize that I’d had them all along, and that I only thought that I needed to search for them again. I have always known who I am, what kind of a person I want to be, want others to see me as. Thing is, I thought I had to search for her, but only realized that she’d always lived in me, as an idea. I was only too lazy to make her become real.

But now she is, and I’m not letting her go, no matter how much the weather, people around me or myself will try to make me.

The sky is cloudy, grey, invisible. My mood the same I guess – it seems almost… translucent. I can’t point out what it is, if I’m happy, sad, melancholy, angry….I guess I’m just waiting.

And as I am writing this, the sun shines through the clouds, surprising me with a stroke of light against my cheek, before vanishing quietly. It just wanted to tell me that I’m right I guess. And that I will meet it soon. A matter of days, in fact.

Ever feel like that, like you are sort of empty, yet not necessarily depressed or sad – just simply OK? Ever feel like your just waiting for a day, a moment which you certainly know will come in the future – yet, you don’t seem to be very excited….just waiting.

I feel like that. I guess I’ve felt excited for such a long time that I don’t want to feel it anymore. Guess I only want to feel the actual moment instead.

The days have rolled along fast, and I’ve suddenly found a small feeling of worry in the back of my mind as to what I will be doing this fall. When school ended, I decided not to worry, just let things run their course, take a year off, take a look around.

Now, for the first time since that moment, I actually want to study, want to do something. 
And that feeling feels so good, for there has been years since I’ve actually felt that.

A hunger for knowledge, a lust for experience.

But for now, I’m simply going to be…
me.

A relaxed version of me, that is.

And as I am writing the words above these, the sun shines again.

Nothing is coincidence. 

Music: Snow Patrol – You Could Be Happy

Of all the different emotions a person can make, the one I think weakens a person’s soul the most is envy.

It makes us do horrible things.

It’s like a poison, and even though you have found the antidote to it, you still deep down know that it still is running through your veins, and you continue thinking about it – and as we all know, thoughts are powerful. So powerful that they can make whatever you are thinking of come true…

I am feeling a little bit of envy right now, why I do now know. I guess I just have to concentrate on the positive thoughts. And, if I just “have to” envy anyone, I should envy myself. I have a pretty amazing life. I guess we all sometimes seem to forget what we always have. 

Forget until it’s taken away from us. Until it’s broken. Until it returns again…?

I can’t wait to go to my real home. A matter of days now. There’s something wicked coming this way. I can feel it. Something inside of me, a desire, a lust that I haven’t had since I left the place. The sea. The sun. The people.

Thing is, the people might not be there. Thing is, I don’t think I care.

But I’m excited no matter what. It’s always nice getting away.

The day we arrive it’s going to be a new moon. A symbol of a new beginning. 

It even lies in the universe. 

I hope…no. I know that the universe will give us all something at a certain point in our lives – that is, if we want it and believe in it enough.
I want. I believe. And I do so more than enough. For I need enlightenment.

I wish my path in this world would be over lotus pedals, just like Siddharta, rather than the nails in which pierce me, leaves me stuck at one place before I get the motivation to take another step and pierce myself once again…

Music: Sharman’s dream project – Kerala Dream

Something has changed. Something in my head. A voice that I missed over the noice of all the others.

I feel like I’ve grow up in a matter of minutes. Now and then.

Suddenly, the voice comes back, and whisperes to me. And I do what I am told by it.

I take the moment, and use it for something necessary.

And I love how I have the ability to listen to this voice now. I am starting to do things, not all at once, but step by step. One cannot change old habits like one closes a door. One must find the right key, find a suitable way of closing it without anything coming in or out of it, before finally closing it steadily and locking it up.

I am beginning to live life as if I could loose it whenever. Although I know I will live for a long long time, I also know that I have a lot to be done during that time. So I am nice and steadily beginning to go away from the lazy high-school attitude, and instead starting to do what I have so long dreamed for.

But with that being said, I now never get a bad feeling whenever I’ve spent a day in front of the TV or reading a book. It’s not a day wasted. It’s a day in which I’ve given the body a chance to relax.  And that is important.
For I now no longer feel tired or angry all the time. I don’t stress, even though I might wake up and realize I have 15 minutes to get ready.

But with that being said, I’m going in for the kill.

I’m living, fearless, spontane, eccentric. And I’m beginning to do things my own way. Letting myself go, showing my true colours.

And thing is, it’s working. I feel the attention from others, attention from myself, the positive energy, the sun outside my window. This summer was different than all the rest, yes.

I am becoming someone. I’m becoming a woman. And I’m not afraid.

For I’ll stay a child at heart. Forever.

But right now…I’m enjoying being eighteen.

I’,m really enjoying it.

Music: La Roux – In For The Kill (Foamo’s Skream Remix Bootleg)

I wrote my first short story in moths yesterday. It came to me with a couple of words, instantly, sudden, and by half an hour it was finished. It simply poured out of me, like a crane, in which I let run as long as it could.

It turn out that now, the day after, that there’s no more water left.

And I wish there was. For I am more bored than I’ve been all summer long.

I used to say that people whom are bored are boring people.
I still stand by it. I’m just no fun without the sun or somebody by my side.
I’m no fun at home, in front of my computer, in front of the television, working out, reading a book. It’s all just plain dull.

And I wish more than anything that I could fix it, that I could be as fun as I want to. But when nobody wants to come out and play…that whole fun thing gets pretty hard to do.

For I feel now that I have spent far too many moments alone. I used to be somewhat of a lonely wolf, someone who enjoyed their own company in many ways more than the company of others. There are times in which I still feel that. But I also feel a craving for company, bigger than any other craving.

I guess it might be because I am realizing that people are leaving, starting their lives, moving, working.

Things are changing. And I want them to. But I now realize that people already have their plans, the ones that I haven’t got. And I realize that I will remain here, alone. And it scares me.

I never thought of the difference between our age. Because, technically, there isn’t one. But I have always been the youngest, being born in december 31st. And inside, I feel like there still should have been one more year of school, even though I would hate it.

For this final year was tough. I fainted two times from stress. I was angry all the time. I was upset and tired, did not sleep well, studied all day long. And my closest, my family – they thought I might give up. But I didn’t. And I guess it drained me. But still, I feel like there should be one more year before I would have to “grow up” in the sense of starting my life.

I mean, I will always be a child, but…there is a difference between a child and a childish person. And I want to be that childish person, I will be that childish person one day – but I am not sure that is yet. Which is funny, considering that I’ve heard numerous times that I am an “old lady at mind, child at heart”. I still feel like a child at mind – and I guess it is something good, to have that innocence, have that individual perspective of life, with no interruptions of norms, rules, normality.

But that one year of being 18 before quitting school….I have not had that. I only had a half of a year. Half a year of trouble, then the sudden path that has divided, and in which I must choose between hundreds of roads.

It is hard as fuck. I have no idea what to do. But I know I must choose soon – or I will stay lonely for a very, very long time ahead.

For everyone else is moving on.

I guess it will all clear itself when the sky clears. It’s something about the weather that makes me melancholy, I know it. The grey without the rain, the lightning without the thunder. Something’s off.

All I know know is that I can have summer vacation for the rest of my life. I can do whatever I want. But I want to share it with someone, and not alone. Guess I just have to carry my own load myself for a while, and eventually, someone will probably join me, with the same luggage as I have.

Scary.

Beautiful.
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year…

I’ glad we got out of the fish bowl, but I wish we’d still swim together…

Music: Pink Floyd – Wish You Were Here 

I have lost my pen. I have lost my touch. And with yesterday’s thunder storms, thunder came today at our household, and negativity spread, I can smell the stench of it, burning through memories.

I want to fill my life, my blank sheets, with it all, my dreams, my ambitions…but either I don’t know how to write it, or someone comes with an eraser as soon as I’ve written it.

And the sun continues to shine outside, as though the thunder storm never had been there, but something’s still changed, something in the air. For the air is intensified now, he is angry, he is hurt. And he takes it out on the weaker ones of us.

I always feel drained, different, after a thunder storm. I feel renewed, yet longing for whom I was the day before.

And I suddenly realize that I am alone.

They have all gone, and I remain here,

Still,

With my tabula rasa,

and nothing to fill it with.

Hope is difficult to keep a hold of. All one can do is hope that hope will manifest itself when you need it the most, and disappear again when everything will run its natural course.

Music: The National – Start A War

I feel like everyone around me is sprinting through life, wanting to get from A to B as fast as possible, forgetting to just take a moment and look around them, see what they may pass on their path.

I find it rather strange that I am not one of them. Water is always in such a hurry. Guess I’ve become a silent stream, a silent wave, warmed by the sun, driven forwards by a soft breeze.

I wish I could be a wild horse, just like in the Ray LaMontagne song. I just want to run through life in my tempo, and not have anyone stand in my way.

And the clouds, they will simply roll away, roll away…

And I will continue to run, just like the waves run from each other.,,

I have always feared horses. Guess I’ve feared who I am for a long time…

I can’t wait to be reunited with the sea this summer, on the coast of Marbella, just as the sun is about to set. It’s like I can see myself in the orange sky, the warm sand, the waves that keep crashing gently into the shore.

And I close my eyes, and I run with the horses, I fly with the birds, I become the person I feel most confortable with.

I remember watching The Fountain a couple of months back, and in the middle of it, one of the main characters told of how someone was buried with a seed on top of them, so that they would grow with the trees, bloom with the flowers, and then birds came to eat, and the dead man’s soul would fly with the birds.

I want to do the same with parts of my ashes when I die, and I want the second half to be spread across the sea, so that I can swim with the fish, with the mermaids, under the surface.

And I will never need air.

Never again. Not as much as I need him now.

I’ll make my own waves.

Music: Ray LaMontagne – All The Wild Horses

The sun shines more strong and powerful than ever, and gives me the energy in which I’ve longed for the last 8 months or so. As my skin turns the colour it always was meant to be, and my spirits awaken more and more each day, I finally begin to feel like the person I was one year ago.

It’s the sun and the sea that does it. That first swim of the year, and I am Sofia again, just I was back then. And I like this Sofia. She has no care in the world.

I’m addicted to them both, the sea and the sunshine. I need the warming rays on my bare feet, I need the silence that one only can have when under the surface. It’s so beautiful. I feel beautiful. And it’s all organic, it’s all the way it’s supposed to be.

I get more eager to get up in the mornings. I exercise every day, dance my heart out before going out into the burning sun and burning up with it. I go to the beach, I let my hair turn into sea weed, I let it float freely, and I close my eyes, and wish that the moment would last forever.

They give me courage, the sun and the sea. Give me courage to send my manuscript out. Gives me courage to write about it here. Gives me courage to say that I’ve written a book.

I would never say it. It’s the sun that says it.

For I am married now,

 to the sea,

the sun that warms it,

the sand it floats on,

the wind that carries the waves.

I am married now

to beauty.

Music: Unfaithful Soundtrack – Silence