To Freeze

I never realized how dependent I am of having access to a computer, untill now, when I’ve gone almost a week without it…

 

The sun shines more strong and powerful than ever, and gives me the energy in which I’ve longed for the last 8 months or so. As my skin turns the colour it always was meant to be, and my spirits awaken more and more each day, I finally begin to feel like the person I was one year ago.

 

It’s the sun and the sea that does it. That first swim of the year, and I am Sofia again, just I was back then. And I like this Sofia. She has no care in the world.

 

I’m addicted to them both, the sea and the sunshine. I need the warming rays on my bare feet, I need the silence that one only can have when under the surface. It’s so beautiful. I feel beautiful. And it’s all organic, it’s all the way it’s supposed to be.

 

I get more eager to get up in the mornings. I exercise every day, dance my heart out before going out into the burning sun and burning up with it. I go to the beach, I let my hair turn into sea weed, I let it float freely, and I close my eyes, and wish that the moment would last forever.

 

They give me courage, the sun and the sea. Give me courage to send my manuscript out. Gives me courage to write about it here. Gives me courage to say that I’ve written a book.

I would never say it. It’s the sun that says it.

 

 

For I am married now,

 to the sea,

the sun that warms it,

the sand it floats on,

the wind that carries the waves.

 

I am married now

to beauty.

 

 

Music: Unfaithful Soundtrack – Silence

To Listen

The Family Stand – I Thought We Had

 

To Quote

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.

- John Lennon

 

 (R.I.P)

To Dream

I’m just a dreamer, I dream my life away…

 

It’s hard, to believe in a dream enough to actually have it come true. Dreaming is easy, yes, but believing is another matter. For isn’t it so, that from the moment we start school, start our lives, that everyone around us, the adults, the teachers, all talk about what may be relative, and not what a person necesarilly wants?

At least that is what I’ve been told. Yes, I have potential to be alot of things – but do I really want to do any of those things as a career?

For it is now, that a dreamer like myself is stuck between my own hope and the hopes for others.

You got a bright future, they say. Great potential. But is it potential to become what I want? Can’t you tell me that my ambitions, my dreams, are all big and beautiful, and that I should believe in them no matter what “potential” I might have?

I guess I can tell myself that I can dream as much as I want, tell it to myself over and over again, but I guess a human urge for approval lingers behind all the talking. I have my weaker moments. And then comes music and helpes me back on my feet

 

For what happened to all the dreamers? Is it me who is blind, or are you all in hiding?

I am not afraid of dreaming big anymore. I am not afraid of believing in them either, even though I do have my doubts at times. Then I dream that those doubts one day will pass – and that dream I’ve never stopped believing in. It’s just a matter of time. Well, not really – time doesn’t really excist (at least that’s what I – and, surprisingly, Einstein, which I didn’t know untill recently - have always believed).

I think that if we all started to dream like we did when we were kids, fearless and imaginative, we would all get motivation to do what we want, have the job, the family, the lifestyle in which we want for ourselves – and by doing so, people would all be far more happy.

 

Music: Joni Mitchell – Urge For Doing

 

To Transform & To Listen

 Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that,
now you’re all gone got your make-up on and you’re not coming back.
Can’t you come back?

Ever felt like you’ve lost a certain part of yourself? A part you used to think was necessary, in order for you to be fully yourself?

 It’s graduation day, and I took a long and hard look at myself in the mirror.

I seem…different, somehow. There’s something going on inside my head, a transition. I can see it on the colour of my eyes. I’m not sure if it’s even scientifically possible, but my eyecolour strangely enough seems to change shade and colour. Nothing drastic, of course. But… the eyes I have today, as opposed to that I had a couple of years ago, even a couple of months ago…are lighter, more green and yellow-ish than before. And the left side is brighter than ever, whilst the right eye it seems isn’t quite finished transforming.

It still carries darkness in it. Perhaps that is why my writing still carries it’s melancholy.

It’s not just my eyes that are different though; my whole posture, facial expressions, movement. It’s like in far more confortable in my own skin than before, but my face has yet to ajust itself.

It’s like I’m torn whenever I smile, like a part of me tells me to not smile, whilst the other part wants to smile as much as possible.

Even so, I am happy. And scared.

But that is just human. For we all fear to lose something, to change, to have to forget or move on.

 

I feel like I have in a strange kind of way, “let myself down” for becoming “one of those girls”. Make-up, high heels, short skirts, pearls and earrings. Thing is, I’ve grown up (just a little). I wear all of those things now.

And it makes me happy. Because I haven’t got any limitations from myself anymore. Even though I feel those feelings at times.

I can be whomever I want to, and by wanting and knowing that, I will never end up a stereotype.

 

Still…I miss some parts of my old self.

But I guess the only thing one can’t change is change itself.

I will never say goodbye to you, Sofia.  I will never forget, Even though I’m happy now.

 

I’ll always be seventeen at heart.

 

 

To Lose

Graduation Day.

Today might be the last time I’ll ever see some of the people, in which I’ve spent the majority of the last three years with. And even if I might not be best friends with them all, they all have taught me something, mostly subconsiously, but in retrospect shades of life, colours, figures.

I believe that whenever you have eyecontact with another person, no matter how much you know them or not, that something gets exchanged, a vision, a dream, a point of view. For there are those days in which ideas and thoughts strike me, unexpected and weird, as well as deja vus of things in which I could never have experienced before.

Perhaps deja vus are when those experiencec that one extracts from another persons eyes, come to the surface of concience. And we understand, we realize, what we really haven’t done already, but have done in out minds.

It’s weird, how thoughts can wander. Thoughts are weird.

Especially the bittersweet one that lingers in my mind today, of having the last party with the people whom have always functioned as a safety net for me, before they all disappear in the blur of so many other humans.

I will miss them all. But also, it’s a sweet and delicious taste in which captivates me; the taste of being free.

I have no clock to follow anymore. I can do whatever I want. And in order to do so, one must be willing to let go of a security net.

It’s time to let go of you all. But let us celebrate our farvell in joy and happiness, and as crazy as ever – that kind of crazyness which makes our parents shake their head and think “where did we go wrong?” – because that is what being a teenager is all about, and will continue to be so as long as we dream endlessly and full of ambition.

I hope to hear that all those crazy ambitions and eccentric dreams we used to dream still lingers in our teenage hearts when we  meet again, as freebirds, flying next to each other.

You are all special and beautiful.

Peace & Love.

Sofia.

Music: Sun Kil Moon – Exit Does Not Exist

To Listen

Foals – Hummer

Because I effin love Skins! And I love these kinds of parties.

To Realize

Nothing is coincidence.

 

Is it a coincidence that I “just happened” to find a book about changing your life at the time in which I needed it the most – a time in which change is necesarry and a new beginning has already begun?

Is it a coincidence that I have happened to get good grades at the time in which I need it the most, and when I’ve sacrificed more than ever to get them?

Is it  a coincidence that I’ve realized so much these last days about my life and the life to come – these first days of freedom from school and other obligations?

Is it a coincidence that I now, for perhaps the first time ever, realize that I am independent and strong, at the tim in which I am about to lose many of those people whom has helped me all along?

Is it a coincidence that now, when school has finished and stress has vanished, that the sun is shining more vibrantly than ever, and that I feel more as myself, than I’ve ever felt?

Is it a coincidence that I found the book “The Secret”, just days after I realized the actuall secret before even knowing that there actually was a book about it, and that others might not know about it?

Is it a coincidence when one might find their meaning around an element in which continues to follow them whenever they are in need of a renewed self-discovery, and around a flower in which one later on finds out is the symbol of what one longed for more than ever back then?

Is it a coincidence that I happen to see my favourite animal whenever I’m either at my best or at my worst?

 

Is it all coincidences?

Nothing is.

 

I stopped believing in coincidences right after I met P.L.

 

For is the world really open for such a thing as “coincidences”, when everything else in this world is so complicated and thoughtfully put into place?

Music: Cinematic Orchestra – To Build A Home

 

To Listen

…knock the world right off it’s feet, and straight onto it’s head*

 

(…because I’ll always be 18 at heart…and it’s the name of this blog thing (;  )

To Quote

Remember, it's a disgrace to let that talent go to waste.
- Rev Run